i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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