Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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