my sisters under your porch take her home
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
