isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
