I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
