we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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