Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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