the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
