Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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