You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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