Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
