i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize