it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
is wine microwaveable?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
