We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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