Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
