I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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