I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
