I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
