When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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