Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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