I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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