haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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