hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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