Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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