oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
