I think I just saw someone hide a body.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
