dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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