Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Someone shattered a urinal.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
