We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
