You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
