your parents love me but you hate me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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