my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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