I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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