If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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