we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
