please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
