even my farts smell like vagina
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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