8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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