just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
