The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize