i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
