Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize