Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize