You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
