Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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