watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
