We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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