Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
