My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
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