Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Duck Duck Cougar?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
