He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
