If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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