Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
