keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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