Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
