Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I still have a little drunk in my system
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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