So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
