Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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