I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
