Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
